My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
