Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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