Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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