I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
