Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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