omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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