These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
