Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Randomize
