I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
