I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
