hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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