I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
