We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
