Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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