Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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