i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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