there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Randomize
