Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
