Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
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