Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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