I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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