oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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