We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
