I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
