i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
