So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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