Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
