If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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