I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
