Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
