clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
