Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
