youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
