Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
