I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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