When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
