On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
