So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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