Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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