His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
