my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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