I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
