Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I bet he comes in French.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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