i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
