I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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