I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
