I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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