LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
