I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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