Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish I only lived at night.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
