You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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